“Grief is the response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or some living thing that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, grief also has physical, cognitive, behavioural, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions.” Wikipedia
Ram was a 12 year old German Shepherd dog.
A few months ago I received a call from a client I had helped almost a year ago. They were Hindu and had followed strict Hindu customs and rituals for their relative with a funeral service in their home followed by witnessing the cremation.
During the call Marla, Rams owner described how their beloved German Shepherd was in his final stages of life. Ram had been part of the family and was as such treated as a member of the family. Marla wanted to ensure that when Ram passed he was given the same dignity, solemnity and ritual that they would afford any other member of their family.
The family wanted a special coffin made, just like for any person and wished to have a Hindu service from home.
Early one morning a week later I received the call that Ram was in pain and needed to be euthanised. It was not an easy choice, but given his pain, the decision had to be made.
I met the family at the local vet. Ram was surrounded by his beloved family as he quickly and peacefully slipped away. We hastily organised a specially made coffin for Ram, with full lining and handles and the next day met at the family home to afford Ram his last farewell and Hindu customs.
The service ran for almost an hour as the family meticulously went about ensuring Ram was given all the courtesy any family member would have been given. At the end of the service, they carefully closed his coffin and Ram was conveyed to the pet crematorium for cremation.
While this is a beautiful story of love and loss, it demonstrates how grief is not restricted to human loss. We all experience grief differently and sometimes it can be hard to understand or support each other. People of different ages and cultures will grieve in different ways. Many of us have experienced the loss of our pets and some wonder why we may grieve more for them than we did for close family members. There is no right and wrong in the way we grieve.
For those struggling to cope with grief there is help and support available.
Professional support can assist you in providing a listening ear and also provide support or other resources that may be useful to you at this time
Robert Nelson Funerals provides complimentary bereavement support to all its clients.
Families may also choose to contact The Grief Centre
www.griefcentre.com.au or phone 1300 270 479
Thank to Rams family for providing and allowing me to use these images.
A person who is classed as being obese may be referred to as a bariatric patient when they have a body mass index (BMI) that is equal to or greater than 30. The term is also used in the medical field as somewhat of a euphemism to refer to people of larger sizes when requiring specific medical supplies such as larger hospital gowns, hospital beds or health care equipment.
The Funeral Industry generally uses the term “Oversize”
We have all seen the “Spaghetti Western” films where the town undertaker wanders out in the street with his tape measure after a shoot out. In the past, this was not too far from the truth, as the undertaker was also the carpenter that had to make the coffin. Getting the right size was important. Up until the 1970s, funeral directors may have carried a range of adult size coffins, in 2-inch increments from 5’6 to 6 Foot.
As coffin production moved into more automated volume-based production methods, the standard size soon became 6 foot (in the old language) and this is still the case today. Any person that is wider or longer than these standard coffins will require an oversize coffin. These are generally custom made and that is why there may be additional fees charged by the funeral director.
In recent decades the use of oversize coffins and caskets (coffin is wide at the shoulder, narrow at the feet, a casket is generally rectangular in shape) has increased exponentially as diets and other factors have resulted in a proliferation of obese and oversized people. Indeed in an increasing amount of instance, we are now dealing with super-sized people. It is not uncommon for the funeral now to be dealing with people between 200 – 400kg in body weight. This has bought a plethora of new problems for funeral service as indeed health and emergency services at large.
Deaths can occur anywhere, hospitals, aged care, residential homes, public places and funeral directors and coronial transfer crews have equipment and techniques designed to assist in the removal and transfer of the deceased from these locations into mortuary care. The equipment and techniques involved usually relate to standard size people or oversize.
“Supersize” the transfer of the deceased and nothing is normal. In some instances, removing the deceased from their home may entail removing walls to provide egress from the property. While some modern oversize mortuary stretchers have now been designed to hold the weight they simply cannot be used to hold the size of some in a safe way for transfer staff. With “Supersize” people large numbers of additional staff are often required to move them, this can often entail emergency service to assist.
“The weight of some clients is almost industrial and provides significant Occupational and Saftey Risks across the board”
Once transferred to mortuary things don’t remain simple, mortuary trolleys, preparation tables, lifting equipment are often not rated to these extreme weights, and fear of equipment failure is a real concern. For mortuary staff dressing, some of these deceased people can be quite hazardous.
Special Coffins are made and the deceased carefully placed in them, but many are not able to be cremated as cremation units have limited size entry requirements. Burial does not remain unscathed as families may be required to purchase 2 graves due to the width restraints of a single grave.
Burial requires a whole new set of procedures and regular coffin lowering devices just cannot deal with large loads. Hand Lowering is normally not an option due to potential gear failure and the safety of those about an open grave. In some recent cases specialist lifting cranes, capable of maneuvering the narrow paths between graves have been used to good effect. From an aesthetic point of view, it tends to make these graveside services very industrial but necessary.
Whatever word you choose to use bariatric, oversize, and or supersize, the problem in the funeral industry relating to manual handling continues to albeit “grow”.
As funeral directors, we know when someone close to you dies your life can change in many ways. Grieving is our way of adjusting to some of these changes.
Grief is a natural response in our lives. There is no right or wrong way and men and women will grieve in different ways often finding it difficult to understand or support each other. People of different ages and cultures also have different ways of grieving.
Some things you might feel when grieving:
shocked or numb
depressed or lonely
confused and forgetful
frightened and panicky
Many people feel grief in their bodies as well, especially in the first few weeks following a death. You may feel exhausted, cold tense and shaky. You might even find it hard to sleep or feel sick and have trouble eating. These things are common reactions to grief and may require a chat with your local doctor
At Robert Nelson Funerals we recognise people deal with grief in different ways and after loss people will take their own time to deal with that loss. There will be good days and bad days. While there are no hard or fast rules that you must follow there are things that you can do that may help you. That is why Robert Nelson and the Grief Centre provides you with a support person that can assist you at this time, a listening ear perhaps, or information, support or resources that could prove useful.
Bereavement support is a complimentary service offered to families cared for by Robert Nelson Funerals and provided on our behalf by The Grief Centre. One complimentary counselling session is provided for all of our clients.
partnering with Robert Nelson Funerals
With more than 4,000 deaths each month in Victoria, there are only a small number of funeral professionals with embalming qualifications and diverse industry training working within it. You would be forgiven to ask the question who is looking after your loved one?
Fast forward to today, people are starting in the funeral business with no, or limited experience or expertise. Staff are subsequently instructed by the same inexperienced people. It would seem incredulous that your dog or cat needs to be medically attended to by a veterinarian who has carried out years of tertiary education yet those taking care of your nearest and dearest at death do not! With the advent of COVID19, many funeral homes and body transfer services were caught short with either no appropriate PPE or lack of it and certainly no formal training of how staff or employees were to use it! It would seem more out of luck than good planning that there appeared to be no funeral staff contracted COVID19 in the course of their duties in Victoria. During COVID19 some qualified mortuary staff prepared and allowed families to view COVID19 positive cases without incident. It is staggering to note that most funeral homes have staff working in their mortuary conducting invasive procedures on infectious and non-infectious remains with no qualifications and no formal training, let alone any infectious control education. Some staff are required to provide their own PPE or scrubs in the mortuary, yet others are preparing bodies in clothing that hours earlier or later they may wear while meeting a family.
Perhaps the reason for the lack of regulation lies with the industry itself. More often than not, funeral associations have tried to obtain regulation through minimum equipment, vehicles and premises guidelines. Despite the best of intentions, these guidelines are often grounded in the placement of barriers to entry for new entrants. By way of example, it is easy to spell out what equipment funeral director should have, but if they neither have the skill, expertise nor training to use it, it becomes a supercilious argument. Indeed, many have argued these minimum equipment guidelines should be mandatory requirements for health and saftey purposes.
On the surface, this would seem a genuine and rational argument. However, there is no evidence worldwide that the lack of these minimum equipment and vehicle standards has resulted in any public health and safety outbreak. So am I arguing that there should be no standards? Absolutely not! There are funeral directors in Melbourne today storing unrefrigerated bodies in garages, cupboards, and other unknown locations, that would be regarded by most in the general public as unacceptable and shocking
Local councils generally require a funeral home, of all persuasions, to have a town planning permit. Many are operating in Melbourne without the appropriate town planning permissions. Furthermore, the use of mains water-based aspiration devices within the mortuary are bound by Melbourne water regulations, requiring backflow preventers to be fitted and annually tested. Many funeral homes do not have these fitted, with the potential to ingest infectious waste back into our mains water system.
So are there any other permits required by a funeral director? Yes, the Department of Justice requires that all funeral directors are registered on their consumer affairs site, a free process without any checking at all!
What does all this really mean? For decades I have listened to the debate on licensing of funeral directors, but I’ve come to the conclusion it is not a matter of licensing as much as the lack of training and knowledge required. Until we can make training and education mandatory, we cannot begin to regulate an otherwise uneducated industry. So what training is currently available and how can I learn?
MFE (Mortuary and Funeral Educators) and FIDA (Funeral Industry Development Australia) both based in Melbourne and both teach Certificate IV in Embalming. Qualified embalmers are usually members of either the BIE (British Institute of Embalmers) or AIE (Australian Institute of Embalmers) and often have annual training programs and conferences.
MFE (Mortuary and Funeral Educators are about to release an online course in Infection Control. This would appear opportune given the ongoing Corona Virus pandemic.
And, sadly, that’s where it ends. It is hard to find an industry with so little training and so little interest in the ongoing development of its own people.
The United States has a variety of training options depending on your state. From University Business degrees majoring in Mortuary Science to TAFE-style courses and specialist colleges that all lead to state-based regulations, based on your training and qualifications. The United Kingdom through the National Association of Funeral Directors has a strong pedigree in ongoing training. Their Diploma of Funeral Directing is currently being replaced with the new NAFA Funeral Directing DipFD.
Clearly, we are nowhere near running a Diploma structured course, so what should be key training criteria for new entrants in Victoria. There are plenty examples of other local industries that have entry level courses that can be developed and built on.
The construction industry in Victoria requires all persons entering a construction site to hold a “White Card”, a one-day mandatory attendance course, in OH&S, some manual handling, and various other industry-specific training. Of course, for construction there are other specialist courses, such as riggers, doggers, traffic management, scaffolders, and so on, that can be added. In many ways, this style of learning can provide a basic framework to funeral based education.
What are some of the basic minimum subjects that need to be addressed for any new entrant or someone considering working in our industry:
Funeral Industry, Certificate, Forms and Documentation
Grave Types and OHS practices and Manual Handling at Cemeteries
OH&S rights and obligations
Perhaps we are seemingly a long way off getting any considerable change in our industry it is apparent that many now focus on profitability rather than tangible quality and true professionalism.
One thing is for certain, if we are not talking about it, nothing will change.
Robert Nelson is a fifth generation funeral director, and past President of the Australian Funeral Directors Association (Vic Division), Past Deputy Chairman of the Australian Institute of Embalmers, Member of The British Institute of Embalmers
In an age where almost everything is regulated, it would appear at odds that the Victorian funeral industry is almost devoid of any significant regulation, licensing or training.
For as long as I can ever remember, there have been industry calls for regulation., I have sat on boards that have called themselves professionals and in one case likened themselves to chartered accountants. The differences between the two could not be more startling.
For most entering the funeral industry, there is no formal or structured training. On the job learning starts from day one. Some funeral directors believe that throwing prospective employees into the “deep end” will determine if they are a suitable candidate. This may include taking them on deceased collections transfers, introduction into a mortuary and potentially witnessing autopsies, often within their first few hours of stepping foot into their premises! It’s hardly surprising some don’t last until morning tea.
Historically funeral directors, or undertakers as we were known, were cabinet makers, they made their own coffins, collected and prepared the deceased and carried out the funeral. They were real family affairs where the men would perform the day-to-day functions in the funeral parlour, but when they went out their wives attended to “walk ins” (families coming into the funeral home to advise of a death without telephoning first). Funeral directors lived on their premises and it was 24 hours, 7 day a week affair. Children of the funeral directors also lived in the funeral home. Many would grow up to take the reins of their parents. Learning was from a young age and children were instructed in how to behave and where they could and could not go within the funeral home. As a fifth generation funeral director this is how it was for me and my father before me and his father as well. For each generation we were bought up with a clear understanding of care, compassion and respect.
During the 1960s and 70s most funeral homes were no longer making their own coffins as these were being made by industry-specific manufacturers which continues to this day. Funeral Directors (as is now the preferred name) came to concentrate on the delivery of the funeral service itself. Many funeral homes up to this point had been regarded as either Catholic or Protestant funeral homes. Towns would typically have 2 funeral directors and they would generally look after one of the two major religions. This era also provided another fundamental change to this dynamic, ‘Immigration’. As with many other facets of Australian culture, the immigrants bought a wealth of new customs and traditions to our shores. Funeral directors had to adapt and learn these customs overnight. With it bought the obvious rationale that funeral homes were capable of dealing with all faiths, customs and traditions.
Throughout the 60s and 70s, we began to see many family-owned funeral homes that either had no children or indeed children that did not want to continue in the family business. Many of these small businesses began to be absorbed by larger families, sometimes the names were changed. Many of these old names still exist but may be under an ASX listed company ownership with no connection to its former owners.
Traditional funeral directors would train staff in traditional ways. A funeral crew would be made up of:
2. Hearse driver
3. Coach driver.
The most experienced staff would be the conductor; typically, this person had many years of experience and on-the-job training and mentoring before reaching this role. The hearse driver, normally the newest person, would work alongside the conductor, receiving constant instruction and mentorship. They may be in this role for several years as they learnt all aspects of the funeral industry. The coach driver has already been through this mentorship and now had greater responsibilities in collecting families and getting them to the funeral venue on time and returning them home. The next step up for them will be to a conductor.
While training was on the job wasn’t quick, funeral staff had plenty of opportunities to practice and learn from experienced knowledgeable staff with many years of learning. These funeral crews would typically work together for many years and become adept at intuitively knowing how to work together.
Funeral staff were required to work their fair share of after-hours and on-call work. This may be funeral transfers (collection of deceased from aged care, private homes, hospitals, etc). Many funeral homes also had contracts to provide coronial transfers for reportable deaths, such as murder, suicide, road trauma etc. The work would be interesting as you would not know where your next job may take you. Some funeral director assistants would struggle with these often difficult tasks. There was no debriefing or counselling provided or available at this time.
Skilled and experienced staff may also be funeral arrangers; these were the staff that would meet with families to organise funerals. As well as a thorough understanding of the operational and practical aspects of organising a funeral, a funeral arranger is required to complete the statutory and required documentation for a funeral.
The only documented and structured training was reserved for embalmers. Although there have been numerous iterations of embalming training in Australia, early embalmers did their theory and exams via correspondence and their practical case studies with local mentors and examiners. Most would take about two years to complete their studies. In Melbourne, there were only a handful of funeral homes that placed a high priority on embalmer training and education. Most did not, and many did not have trained embalming staff, and this is still the case today.
With the advent of HIV/AIDS we saw a dramatic and cohesive interest and effort in training for Infection Control practices and procedures. In collaboration with the Health Department Victoria, The Australian Funeral Directors Association and the Union movement, the industry was finally able to construct structured guidelines that were both valuable and worthwhile for all those concerned. The early courses ran for two days, addressing the stigmas of HIV/AIDs and the practical considerations of universal barrier precautions and personal protective equipment.
While early courses were well attended, interest wained and it wasn’t long before funeral homes were calling for the course to be shortened, so staff didn’t have to be away so long (2 days). Indeed, the course is now non-existent. A travesty at best and irresponsible to say the least! This strikes at the heart of an industry trying to obtain potential regulation or licensing. The inability of funeral directors to place a high priority on training or education of their workforce in funeral service.
In the early 1980s, the Australian Funeral Directors Association ran a number of 2 week live-in Funeral Management Schools, for skilled professionals to upgrade their management skills in funeral service. These have also gone by the wayside.
To read more and look at some potential solutions please read part 2 in next months blog
For some it seems incongruous that planning ahead may include the planning of a funeral. Most plans we make throughout our life deal with growth and enjoyable, things and the list is endless and variable for each one of us.
As we leave school, it becomes necessary to begin planning for many things, tertiary education, work, buying our first car, housing, marriage, children, work, etc.
In our later years, planning is still necessary; health often plays an important role in this. Retirement and what we are going to do in our retirement, maybe downsizing the family home, downsizing the family car, vacations and so on.
We spend our life building and planning our superannuation for retirement, for many this includes an adjustment to Wills, selection of power of attorneys and executors. For some it will mean moving into retirement style accommodation for others it will lead to aged nursing care.
As people being to get all their affairs in order many will consider pre planning their funeral. It may be as simple as letting family know what their wishes are for others it will involve pre paying and organising their entire funeral.
Discussions can be an uncomfortable time for some families as they begin to face their own mortality and indeed some will not wish to talk about it at all. Robert Nelson, says”it surprising how many families do not know if their parent had a preference for either burial or cremation when they die, it would seem they just never had that discussion”. Still, many elderly organise their funerals to avoid their children having to be burdened with the cost and organisation at the time of their death. This “Peace of Mind” is one of the main driving factors in those Pre Planning their funeral.
So what are the other reasons to pre plan?
Peace of Mind
Tax and Pension Benefits
Although there are various ways in which people choose to manage pre-paid funerals, many funeral directors use and recommend funeral bonds. Australian Friendly Societies, Bendigo Bank Funeral Bond, is capital guaranteed, this ensures that any initial investment and subsequent contributions, plus declared bonuses are guaranteed upon death. Along with ownership options that allow individuals or couples to take out single bonds. There are also flexible payment options to allow individuals to pay off their funeral bond by instalments.
Before a customers signs a pre-paid funeral contract, the funeral director discusses in writing where and how your money is invested, this is normally in the form a disclosure document, that lists all terms and cognitions that apply to your investment. It will list any fees payable.
Once you agree to your fixed price funeral, your funeral director must also issue a pre-paid funeral contract that lists the goods and services to be provided and supplied. It also details the total cost.
When your funeral is pre paid, you will receive a Pre Paid Funeral Contract from your funeral director and the investment bond from Australian Friendly Society.
The Investment is held in your name and assigned to the funeral director only on death. This means that if the funeral director is no longer in business your investment is still secure.
So what if you don’t wish to pre-pay your funeral but still wish to organise it in advance? Many people still pre-arrange their funeral plan and talk to their funeral director and leave their funeral wishes on file with their funeral home.
Finally the best advise is to always keep your family or next of kin advised of what plans you have made.
Should you wish to find out more about planning ahead, please do not hesitate to call us upon Ph. (03) 9532 2111 or visit our web site https://robertnelsonfunerals.com.au/pre-paid
My forebearers were involved in some of the early cremations on the cremation pyres of the Ballarat goldfields in the 1800s. Much has changed in the way we cremate and societies views on it.
Today, cremation accounts for almost 60% of all disposition in Victoria (Births Death Marriages Victoria July 2020 – September 2020). With so many people choosing cremation over burial, How much do we really know what happens behind the scenes?
In Victoria, all crematoriums must be on cemetery land, and all cemeteries are on crown land, so unlike other states and other countries, Victoria does not have private crematoria. In states and countries that do have private cremation, there is a significant difference in fees. In the report commissioned by the Victorian Government “Victorian Cremation Industry Viability” by Marsden Jacob Associates 2004, “the cremation price is a small proportion of the overall cost to the bereaved and is unlikely to affect the burial/cremation decision. The bereaved are generally more concerned with the total package price.” This would seem to contradict what has occurred to fees in a market where private operators exist.
With an increasing number of funeral operators offering low cost , direct or unattended services the cremation cost can account for more than 50% of the overall fees.
So how do these private crematorium function?
In most place throughout the world, the crematorium is located in the rear of the funeral home and operated by the funeral director, Fees can be up to 50% lower than those currently charged by public crematoria.
How do most people see cremation?
People on a regular basis tell me how they have been into the crematorium and witnessed the cremation. While this is possible most mourners will only get as close as the crematorium chapel. Most crematoria in Victoria have chapels and function areas that are separate from the crematorium. Mourners will normally attend the chapel for the service and at the conclusion, the funeral the coffin turn from view or is lowered out of sight. Some cremators are located directly behind the chapels. The coffin is removed from the catafalque (the lowering device) and will await cremation. In other instance, the coffin is loaded into a vehicle and transported a few hundred metres to the crematorium building. the cremation may occur immediately but in some case will occur the following day.
With an increasing number of Hindu, Sikh and Buddhist families in Melbourne, the cultural requirement to witness the cremation has increased and more families are requesting this option. Don’t be surprised, that the crematorium charges a fee for families to witness the cremation of their loved one.
In many countries that our new Australians come from, the service would often be held in front of the cremation chamber. In Melbourne, small numbers of the family either watch the cremation on a video screen in an adjoining room or witness the coffin entering the cremator behind a glass window. The process for families is quick. The coffin is loaded onto a special device that will discharge the coffin into the cremator. The doors of the cremators remain closed until that family is ready. Once settled, the family will indicate to the cremation operator to proceed. The door slides up and the coffin is quickly injected into the cremator. The door is quickly closed. Families will leave after this. The whole process may take less than a minute.
The cremation itself takes 1-2 hours.
Ashes or cremated remains
The terms ashes tend to infer the cremated remains are like cinder, very light and like powder, however, most people are surprised when the cremated remains are returned. Ashes are skeletal remains and the average cremated remains urn will weigh approximately 3kg. Typically remains will be ready for collection within 48 hours after cremation.
Is the coffin cremated or reused?
Absolutely not. The coffin as you see it is not opened once entered the crematorium building.
Do I need to use a coffin at all for cremation?
While some crematorium now accepts non-coffin cremation the deceased still needs to enter the crematorium in a sealed container and be on a solid base. The body is usually wrapped in a cotton shrouds similar to the way Muslims would bury their loved ones and secured to a plantation pine cremation bearer. Some feel this is a good environmental option.
What can I place in the coffin?
Unlike burial, there are restrictions what you can place in a coffin for cremation. Batteries are definitely not to be included (due to the possibility of explosions) and the funeral director will sign a declaration that any pacemakers have been removed. Excessive plastics should be avoided and bottles are now on the band list due to effect they can have on cremated remains. Bodies can be dressed as normal.
Can I use a cardboard coffin?
Yes, there is special cardboard coffins known as Bio board.
No, many people are choosing to have a direct or unattended cremation. The body and coffin are taken directly to the crematorium without anyone attending. Many families choose to have some other celebration of life event, from a very private personal scattering of cremated remains in meaningful locations with a few people, to large elaborate and often noisy lunches. There are no rights and wrongs when it comes to celebrating a life, just relevant and meaningful events. So the choices are all yours to make
Can we seperate cremated remains for different members of our family?
Yes, just ask your funeral director and he will arrange this for you.
Cremation Urns, Jewellery, Scattering tubes
There is a large range of options open to families to choose from in deciding with what to do with cremated remains. There are literally thousands of different types of cremation urns, made from every conceivable material. From mass produced urns to individual handcrafted works of art, environmental and bio degradable urns are also available. Cremation jewellery varies from small metal pendants that can be place on a necklace to Diamonds made from cremated remains and Italian glass infused with remains all made into beautiful jewellery.
Robert Nelson is a 5th generation funeral director and is Managing Director of Robert Nelson Funerals, based in Moorabbin, Victoria, Australia. Should you have any questions about cremation please do not hesitate to contact me. (03) 9532 2111,
Are you the glass half full type of person or the glass half empty? I guess at times we are both.
Recently I was pre-arranging a funeral for a client, her elderly mother in the final stages of life and sadly like many with dementia. She hadn’t seen her mother or held or hand for many months, COVID restrictions saw to that. On the surface, it just appeared to be a very sad situation.
As we began to talk and I started to learn a little about her mum, my client described how her mother had always been full of fun and laughter and these are the memories she would carry with her, not the sad ones.
She told me a story of when her mother in her 70s and wheelchair-bound, but still full of life had an appointment with her neurologist. The prognosis wasn’t good and the specialist explained to her mum the ramifications of her diseases. She sat quietly in her chair as he explained as well as he could what to expect. After he had finished talking she sat silently for a few minutes. Concerned, the doctor walked over to her chair and knelt in front of her. Her eyes suddenly lit up, as if a light bulb had just been switched on as she casually queried the doctor, “would sex therapy help?” Startled but as quick-witted as her, the doctor fired back “well, do you have someone in mind?” with that twinkle still in her eye she replied, “do you have a younger brother?” Needless to say, the room erupted in laughter.
It got me to thinking, even at the worst of times, it is the way in which we choose to deal with a situation which will dictate the manner in which we move forward.
COVID restriction has unquestionably thrown great hardship on many people. For me, I have been amazed at the manner in which families have accepted and dealt with loss during this time.
So maybe next time you are faced with what seems an insurmountable challenge in life, remembering the story of my elderly client might just bring a smile to your face and maybe assist you in looking at your situation in another way,
In these times of doom, gloom and uncertainty, there is much to be concerned with, it is almost the glass half full mentality. In Melbourne, with now stage 4 restrictions and lockdowns, it is somewhat reminiscent of a science fiction thriller, albeit one we are slap bang in the middle of. Yet, there is another “half to the glass”, and our lives continue on, different perhaps but never the less continue.
Living life and celebrating love doesn’t always need to be at full throttle and at these times can often make us aware of the small things in life that bring us pleasure. Travel, eating out, meeting up with friends, sport, even shopping are now all off our radar. So it would appear we have to look for other things to occupy us and bring joy.
We can learn much from funerals, their relevance and meaning. Funerals are traditionally a time where we reflect on life and celebrate the life lived. Many of our forebearers lives have involved great adversities, wars, famine for some, financial depression, tragedy and loss. Yet, from these, hardships have grown tremendous resilience and shaped peoples lives. We often do not reflect on these things during the end of life service, but focus on love, life and living.
The “Celebration of Life” has become a much more common term used in the past decade. In contrast, last century funeral ceremonies reflected on loss and were mostly of a religious nature citing from standard prayer books, with little reflection on the individual and their life. As the focus of many families shifted to a “Celebration of Life” so did the style and type of service.
Families once reliant on the church began using civil celebrants, “I recall most of the earlier celebrants did have some connection to churches and were often lay preachers, there was usually still some prayers within the service. I used to wonder if the family were taking our an each-way bet, a just in case clause when the got to the other side there was something.” The traditional religious service just didn’t seem to be adjusting to the changes in general life. Many wouldn’t allow certain music to be played and in some cases would not allow eulogies to be said during the service.
Today’s modern civil celebrant is highly professional and expert in their field. They can perform two separate functions at a funeral, Firstly as master of ceremonies, assisting families to structure the proceedings into order and introduce speakers and audiovisual. Secondly, they speak on behalf of families in an articulate and accurate way. Mostly, celebrants will perform both functions.
Combined with eulogies and reflections of love, life and loss, many other things personalise a “Celebration of Life” service. Location of service, Coffins, Environment, Audio Visual, music, printed materials, flowers, balloons, catering, photographs, paintings, jewellery, the list is as endless as your imagination. The key to the selection of these auxiliary services is the meaning and relevance to you. For without significance and relevance, much of the service can be lost on many.
Most of life’s celebrations are performed publicly, funerals are often advertised in newspapers. Indeed a funeral notice is a public invitation inviting anyone to attend. Sadly, COVID19 restrictions have changed this, for now, Melbourne is currently restricted to a maximum of 10 mourners only attending funerals, resulting in many families having to choose which family members will attend services. Live streaming services, having been available for some time are now a regular occurrence on most funerals. From professional streaming companies to a family member with an Ipad or smartphone are streaming services locally and overseas to family members and friends that cannot attend in person.
External catering and refreshment services that have become common on most funerals have but shut down, even families have not been able to return home for group gatherings. This is possibly one of the saddest aspects of COVID restrictions, as once the funeral has finished, there is little opportunity for family and friends to gather and reflect.
Yet, amongst all this, wisdom comes from those personally affected by a loss. One young widow said after the funeral, “most people have said to me the hardest part would be only having 10 people at the funeral, in some ways I was kind of glad I didn’t have to mourn publicly. You, know the hardest part, was restricted hospital access for my young children and me during my husbands final days”.
Celebration of life does not always need to be public, many families are choosing unattended or direct cremations services and opting to celebrate the life lost in a private and personal way. Life, love and loss do not always need to be celebrated publicly. Some see this as a sad option, yet those that choose this option are at ease with their choice as it has relevance and a strong meaning for them. It is often something that teh deceased would have wanted or indeed asked for.
Working in funeral service people say many things to us, some focus on the macabre and bizare, many wanting to know the weirdest things we have seen or been asked to do for a family. Well here is not the place you will read about that. For what is strange and bizarre to one person may be quite normal to another. Once again, relevance and meaning to the individual is where our focus is.
Although times may be tough right now, “live, life and love” and above all stay safe.
Robert Nelson is a fifth-generation funeral director and founder of Robert Nelson Funerals. Based in Moorabbin they service all Melbourne Areas, including Mornington and Bellarine Peninsulas.
Last month I wrote about environmental options within the funeral service. This week I came across possibly one of the most sensible environmental options available and its been right in front of us all the time!
Coffin manufacturing has changed a great deal over the past century, I remember my grandfather making coffins from solid timber and without modern manufacturing techniques had to use hot water in order to bend the shoulders into coffins. Paper laminates, custom and particle board just didn’t exist. Polishing or finishing was applied often by hand, using traditional french polishing techniques.
In today’s coffin manufacturing environment, high tech is the way to go, with computerised cutting machines and a variety of timber variants available. Yet , whilst the manufacturing techniques may have changed, there is still waste from offcuts and damaged timbers or veneers that typically end up in a landfill.
Innovative family-owned Melbourne coffin manufacturer RH Minter has decided to do something about it. They are repurposing what was once waste into environmental low-cost affordable coffins. While these unpolished rectangular coffins, sometimes have different panels and are possible not for every family (in regard to traditional looks) they definitely lead the way in environmental repurposing.
Managing Director of Robert Nelson Funerals, says “families now have a real alternative when considering environmental options and even better it locals that are doing it.”
“Compared to cardboard, that has to be manufactured, (often overseas) these timber offcuts are already in the local factory and would be shipped out for landfill if not reused.”
Robert Nelson Funerals are pleased to offer these environmental repurposed coffins as part of our standard range.
Call Robert Nelson Funerals for further information. Ph (03) 9532 2111